Usually I would save posts like this in the Silent Chat blog of mine, since that is more of my ranting and useless, not so funny and amusing, and personal space to write than this one. But alas, since this technically is the Mind of T'Ford, and this is something that's moving along in my head, I thought I would share it here. Don't expect much humor or much entertainment, but expect utter confusion and endless sentences from this piece of my mind that I am sharing with you...a piece of a shattering and collapsing mind.
The past few days have been just eh for me. I've been feeling down, for no apparent reason I can see, off like a part of me is a blur invisible person and the other half is that down-moppy person everyone is seeing. Nothing has been able to really cheer me up. It all really started Thursday night after I got home from a pool function at the recruiting office. It was murder that night since we were looking for a new guide as our current one is shipping out in a couple of days. A couple of times I got my ass handed to me and struggled a bit to keep up, but I kept up and didn't quit. With how much PT we got, I was very proud of myself for pushing and not giving up. This was a major accomplishment for me. I felt proud and limped around, feeling sore and looking like I just got run over with pride. I come home, and talk about it with some friends, telling them everything we did and how I felt because I did it, and I immediately got shot down. It was a "Ok? Who cares?" type of thing. That hurt. Since that moment, I haven't brought myself up in a better mood. I know I should still be proud and accomplished and that no one should take that away from me, but hearing it from friends just really crushed me. Is it going to be the same thing when I graduate boot camp?
Next is the parental unit. We've not been seeing eye to eye as of late, and I've had to bite my tongue on a couple of occasions. I love how parents will always tell you, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" yet they don't follow it not a damn bit. They'll sit there and tell you every vulgar and derogatory thing they can, just to either piss you off or displace their emotions on you. Times like this, I wish you would have gone through with the abortion so you can stop throwing it in my fucking face when you're drunk beyond recognition. You must think I'm joking when I say I'm never coming back when I gone? You are in for one hell of a rude awakening. Karma, bitch, Karma.
After that is just my insecure feelings with certain people and our relationships. I know it's not what I think it is, but I can't help but feel slightly abandoned and now detached. It's not their fault, it's mine. I'm just insecure about opening up to people anymore, and those that I have already I'm retracting from. They say the world is just cold and cruel, but it's not. The world is peaceful and calming, it's the mass imperfection of idiots and self-centered jackasses that make it seem so cold and not a place anyone wants to live in. Some people...actually, most...are a waste of carbon.
As it stands now, I'm going to keep walking down my path and doing what I do best, reaching for my goals. If anyone still cares, there are ways to reach me. I bid you all a good evening, for now.
-T'Ford
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